I’m Dr. Silvia Buet González, psychologist and author of The Acceptance Guide to Breakup Recovery. Find out why you’re still stuck and how to accept it’s over with the Heartbreak Toolkit.
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Why do some people get over a breakup in just a few months, while others feel stuck for years? That was the main question of my PhD research.
I worked as a psychologist and cognitive behavioral psychotherapist in the UK for over three decades. I saw people move on quickly after a breakup or divorce. And I saw others still hoping their ex would come back. Going over every conversation in their heads. Feeling like they're going crazy because they can't stop thinking about them. Or searching for a reason why it all ended, and never finding one.
For my PhD study at Queen's University Belfast, 255 people who had split up in the last 12 months gave me the answer. Why were some already letting go, while others couldn't? Not because of who ended it. Not because of how much time had passed. The key was the meaning they gave to their heartbreak and how they responded to the separation.
Everything depends on how you manage your beliefs and behaviors. Today, instead of seeing patients, I put what I learned from my research and clinical work into writing—starting with my upcoming book, The Acceptance Guide to Breakup Recovery, to show you, step by step, how to finally accept that it’s over.
In my PhD research, I looked into why some people recover from a breakup in just a few months, while others struggle for years. I identified seven blocks that can make breakups more difficult to cope with. For each block, I created a tool based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help you recover faster. CBT is considered the gold standard in psychotherapy and is recommended in major clinical guidelines because of its strong scientific support (David et al., 2018). Read where you’re likely to be stuck and access the tool. If you’re not sure which one fits your situation, you can take the quiz to find out.
Learn to tell the difference between intrusive memories, rumination and worry. Apply the right technique to each of them to stop obsessing.
The more connected you feel to your ex, the more you’ll miss them. This guide contains 15 techniques that can reduce how much you miss them.
Do you really want to know the real reasons for the breakup? Read the letter a patient sent to their ex to learn the truth and their reply. Shocking!
Identify the beliefs that keep you hoping to reconcile with your ex, and read a healthier self-talk to stop the roller coaster of false hope.
Find out which beliefs keep you stuck in hurtful, anger-provoking situations, and learn how to talk to yourself in a healthier way so you can move on.
Reminders about your ex can make you upset again. Use these 11 self-talks to cope with those situations, instead of using avoidance.
Still keeping tabs on your ex or holding on to their belongings? These two exercises can help you see your ex more realistically and fall out of love.
Answer 20 quick questions and get your personal report. It shows which of the 7 blocks are holding you back and which tool to use first.
Not sure where to start?
My 7-year research study looked at why some people move on from a breakup in a few months while others feel stuck for years. I discovered seven common blocks linked to more distress after a breakup.
This quiz will help you see which of these blocks are affecting you, so you’ll know what to work on first.
The quiz
Your report
New book · Coming soon · Join the launch list
A 4-Step CBT Therapy Workbook with exercises for emotional healing, coping with relationship loss, and moving on after a breakup or divorce
Your head knows it’s over. Your heart is not convinced.
It’s hard to heal from a loss you haven’t truly accepted. That’s why nothing you’ve tried has worked.
Memories still come up and upset you. Maybe you’re hoping your ex will come back, or you feel angry about how things ended. You might keep wondering why it happened. These are all signs your heart hasn’t accepted it yet.
Most books about breakups assume you’ve already accepted that it’s over. But if you’re still hurting, it probably means you haven’t processed the ending yet. The Acceptance Guide to Breakup Recovery can help you with that, step by step.
Give yourself the closure you deserve. Accept that it’s over, and you may find you’ve already moved on.
Articles
I write about why some people stay stuck after a breakup and what helps them move on, based on my research and my work with patients. See all my articles →
Obsessing about your ex
In my research, I found that intrusive thoughts and memories are strongly linked to breakup grief. Here are better ways to deal with them than pushing them away.
Read the article
Stuck points
My 2018 study was about why some people get over a breakup so quickly and others just don’t seem to ever get over it. Here are seven of the reasons I found.
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Getting back together
If your ex replies to your messages and acts friendly, it doesn’t always mean they want to get back together. Learn to read your ex’s mixed signals correctly.
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Time and moving on
Six months? Two years? In my research, how long ago the breakup happened wasn’t associated with how much breakup grief people felt. Here’s what was.
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Closure and why it ended
In my research, I found that endlessly analyzing why the relationship ended was associated with greater distress. Here’s why the answer may not set you free.
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Anger rumination
In my research, I found that thinking about situations that made you angry is strongly connected to breakup grief. Here’s what you can do to move past those angry thoughts.
Read the articleStart by picking one of the seven psychological tools that fits where you’re struggling most. If you need extra help, I can point you to more than 30 breakup resources for any area of your breakup you’re still struggling with.
Pick my toolThe Heartbreak Toolkit
Choose the one that you need the most now.
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