I was fine this morning. Then a song came on, and I was right back there.
A memory in the supermarket. Their face when you close your eyes. An old argument replaying on the way to work. Thoughts about your ex that arrive without asking.
Are you going crazy? No. And you’re far from alone.
What my research found
In my study of 255 people, around 1 in 4 had distressing thoughts, images or memories of their ex at least half of the time.
These intrusions had one of the strongest associations with breakup grief. On their own, they explained about two thirds of it.
And it wasn’t only the painful memories. About 1 in 4 people went looking for happy memories of their ex every week, or more often. That was associated with more distress too. Not less.
The beach ball
Have you ever tried to hold a beach ball under water?
It takes effort. Your arms get tired. The moment you relax, it shoots up and splashes you in the face. So you push it down again. Harder this time. Now you’re spending the whole day holding a ball under water.
Thoughts about your ex work the same way. The harder you push them down, the harder they come back up.
In my study, about 1 in 3 people worked to shut out thoughts or images of their ex every week, or more often. And the people who pushed away their thoughts, feelings and reminders had more breakup grief. Not less.
The other way of keeping them close
Checking their profile. Sleeping in their hoodie. Having conversations with them in your head.
Of all these, checking up on the ex was the most common in my study. Almost 3 in 10 people did it every week, or more.
It feels like comfort. But every check tells your brain the same thing: this still matters, keep thinking about it.
Try this
- Stop fighting the thought. When it comes, don’t push it away. Let it be there. Name it: There’s that memory again.
- Rewind and hold. This CBT technique is a way of facing a memory instead of escaping it. Let the memory play. Then rewind it and play it again, slowly, until it loses some of its sting. If it feels like too much, stop, and try again another day.
- Come back to the present. Breathe slowly. Feel your feet flat on the floor. Notice five objects you can see around you.
- Cut the fuel. Mute their profile. Put their belongings in a box, out of sight. This isn’t the same as avoiding your feelings. You’re stopping the habits that keep feeding them.
- Don’t read meaning into it. I keep thinking about them, so we must be meant to be. No. A thought about your ex isn’t a sign. It’s what a brain does after a loss.
If the thoughts feel unbearable, or you’re having thoughts of harming yourself, please talk to your doctor or contact your local emergency services or a crisis line straight away.
