1. Obsessing about your ex
Techniques for Intrusions, Rumination and Worry
Learn to tell the difference between intrusive memories, rumination and worry. Apply the right technique to each of them to stop obsessing.
In my PhD research, I looked into why some people recover from a breakup in just a few months, while others struggle for years. I identified seven blocks that can make breakups more difficult to cope with. For each block, I created a tool based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help you recover faster. CBT is considered the gold standard in psychotherapy and is recommended in major clinical guidelines because of its strong scientific support (David et al., 2018). Read where you’re likely to be stuck and access the tool. If you’re not sure which one fits your situation, you can take the quiz to find out.
2. Being attached to your ex
15 Ways To Stop Missing Your Ex
The more connected you feel to your ex, the more you’ll miss them. This guide contains 15 techniques that can reduce how much you miss them.
3. Analyzing why it ended
Careful What You Wish For
Do you really want to know the real reasons for the breakup? Read the letter a patient sent to their ex to learn the truth and their reply. Shocking!
4. Hoping to reconcile
Quiz: Why Can’t I Stop Hoping My Ex Will Come Back?
Identify the beliefs that keep you hoping to reconcile with your ex, and read a healthier self-talk to stop the roller coaster of false hope.
5. Anger rumination
Quiz: Why Can’t I Stop Being Angry at My Ex?
Find out which beliefs keep you stuck in hurtful, anger-provoking situations, and learn how to talk to yourself in a healthier way so you can move on.
6. Running away from pain
Self-Talk To Cope With Reminders
Reminders about your ex can make you upset again. Use these 11 self-talks to cope with those situations, instead of using avoidance.
7. Seeking closeness to your ex
Two Exercises To Fall Out Of Love With Your Ex
Still keeping tabs on your ex or holding on to their belongings? These two exercises can help you see your ex more realistically and fall out of love.
Not sure where you’re stuck?
Quiz: Why Can’t I Get Over My Ex?
Answer 20 quick questions and get your personal report. It shows which of the 7 blocks are holding you back and which tool to use first.
A closer look
What each tool does
1. Obsessing about your ex
Techniques for Intrusions, Rumination and Worry
Why can’t I stop thinking about them? Because not every thought is the same thought. Some are memories that jump in uninvited. Some are a “why?” that goes round and round. Some are a “what if?” about the future. Each one needs a different technique. Use the wrong one and it can make the thoughts worse.
The aim
Name the thought first. Then use the one technique that works for it.
What you get
- A decision tree to tell intrusions, rumination and worry apart
- A checklist for one particular thought or image
- One technique for each: Rewind & hold, finding and reframing your beliefs, problem-solving, and accepting uncertainty
- Practice examples to label
- Free, sent to your email.
In my research, intrusions (thoughts and memories that pop in uninvited) on their own explained about 65% of breakup grief.
Learn more →2. Being attached to your ex
15 Ways To Stop Missing Your Ex
I still miss them so much. In my research, being more emotionally attached to your ex when the relationship ended was associated with more breakup grief. These 15 ways help you miss your ex less, so it stops filling your days.
The aim
Feel less close to your ex, so you miss them less.
What you get
- 15 practical techniques you can start today
- Free, sent to your email.
In my research, how close you felt to your ex when it ended was associated with more breakup grief.
Learn more →3. Analyzing why it ended
Careful What You Wish For
If I just knew why they left, I could move on. Would you? The real reasons can hurt more than not knowing. This exercise puts that wish to the test. You read a letter asking an ex for the truth. Then you read the reply.
The aim
Decide whether you really want to know the real reasons for the breakup.
What you get
- Two letters: one asking an ex for the real reasons, and the reply
- A warning before the reply, so you choose when to read it
- Three questions to answer after you read them
- Free, sent to your email.
In my research, understanding the reasons for the breakup wasn’t associated with more grief. Going over them was.
Learn more →4. Hoping to reconcile
Quiz: Why Can’t I Stop Hoping My Ex Will Come Back?
If I wait, they’ll come back. Hope feels like a lifeline. But false hope keeps you waiting instead of healing. This quiz finds the beliefs that keep that hope going.
The aim
Let go of false hope, so you can stop waiting and start moving on.
What you get
- 16 beliefs you rate from 0% to 100%
- A personal report with a self-talk for each belief you rate 50% or more
- Two free exercises to help you let go of the hope
- Free. Your report opens as soon as you finish, and a copy goes to your email.
In my research, hoping to reconcile had the strongest association with breakup grief. Expecting to reconcile wasn’t associated.
Learn more →5. Anger rumination
Quiz: Why Can’t I Stop Being Angry at My Ex?
After what they did? Anger makes sense. Going over anger-provoking situations again and again is what keeps it burning. This quiz finds the beliefs behind it.
The aim
Stop going over anger-provoking situations, so they stop running your days.
What you get
- 14 beliefs you rate from 0% to 100%
- A personal report with a self-talk for each belief you rate 50% or more
- Two free exercises to help you challenge your anger
- Free. Your report opens as soon as you finish, and a copy goes to your email.
In my research, going over anger-provoking situations had the second strongest association with breakup grief.
Learn more →6. Running away from pain
Self-Talk To Cope With Reminders
I can’t go there. I can’t hear that song. Avoiding reminders feels safer. But your world gets smaller, and the pain stays. This self-talk helps you face reminders instead of running from them.
The aim
Cope with painful reminders instead of avoiding them.
What you get
- 11 self-talks to use when a reminder hits
- Free, sent to your email.
In my research, avoidance of memories, places and feelings was associated with more breakup grief and distress, not less.
Learn more →7. Seeking closeness to your ex
Two Exercises To Fall Out Of Love With Your Ex
I just need to know how they are. Checking their profiles, keeping their things, talking to them in your head, or contacting them to try to get back together. In my research, these ways of staying close to an ex were associated with more breakup grief. These two exercises help you see them more realistically and fall out of love.
The aim
Break the bond with your ex by seeing them in a less positive light, so you fall out of love “on purpose”.
What you get
- Exercise 1: list how your ex disappointed you
- Exercise 2: for each good thing about your ex, write two less flattering ones
- Worked examples for both exercises
- Free, sent to your email.
In my research, seeking closeness to your ex (proximity seeking) was associated with more breakup grief. Research by Fagundes (2011) found that seeing an ex more negatively was associated with better adjustment after a breakup.
Learn more →Not sure where you’re stuck?
Quiz: Why Can’t I Get Over My Ex?
Why can’t I get over my ex? If you don’t know where you’re stuck, you don’t know what to work on. This quiz looks at the 7 blocks from my research and shows you which ones are holding you back.
The aim
Find out where you’re stuck, so you know which tool to use first.
What you get
- 20 questions, 3 to 4 minutes
- A personal report on the 7 blocks, showing the ones that need attention
- A free tool for each block that needs attention
- Free. Your report opens as soon as you finish, and a copy goes to your email.
In my research, these 7 blocks were associated with more distress after a breakup.
Take the quiz Learn more →